That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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