Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize