Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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