someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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