They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
