The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
