Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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