I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
