Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My feet surprised me
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