i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
