he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
