just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i need some magic done to my vagina
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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