Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
