as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
