one word: firstdatebathroomanal
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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