Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You made out with two different species that night
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
