Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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