Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
