First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
