I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
