we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
