Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
