What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
