i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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