I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
