Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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