I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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