It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
