ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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