3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
