I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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