she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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