How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
