i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
