I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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