IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
