i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
