just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
