so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
