Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
