just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
