you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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