So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
