just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize