Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
