theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
