I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
