why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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