i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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