I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
