Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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