some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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