Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
