I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
