How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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