cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
