I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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