your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
