my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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