Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
