you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize