So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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